THE MATT AND CHRIS STORIES
Once upon a time there were these two little monkey butts. They lived in the wonderful, beautiful town of Snidersville. They drove their old vehicles all over the town, terrorizing the old people who wanted to walk the streets. They were hated and feared by all the small children and little animals in town.
One day, Matt and Chris went into the field to torture the defenseless washing machine who's life had been horrible and traumatic since the day his family abandoned him. Matt and Chris would routinely beat on the poor soul with sledgehammers and crowbars. The poor washing machine would cry "please stop". But they were much to evil to be stopped. They would continue beating on him, sometimes late into the night.
then they found these old, homeless, wounded cars. They began their evil tidings once again. The victims of their evil ways were groaning and screaming in pain. they smashed their eyes, and stomped on their arms and legs. They ripped their internal organs apart.
As they were frenzied with evil deeds, there was a light upon the hilltop. They were so mesmorized by the feeling of power they had over their helpless victims that they did not see the officer riding in on his steel horse. He snuck up on them as they were hooting and laughing. He held out his badge and yelled "stop". They turned around shocked.
Chris had the sledgehammer in one hand and a piece of glass in the other. The officer thought Chris was threatening him so he beat him repeatedly about the head and shoulders. Chris was laying bloody and mangled. Matt thought it was a good time to get the hell out of there. He began running across the field. He ran too close to the washing machine. It threw out its' lid and tripped him. He landed on a nail doing the splits. Unfortunitely for him, he lived. He went to jail and finally got to admit he was gay.
The town of snidersville thought it was safe, but it was wrong. Matt and Chris had the ability to never be affected by all of their misdeeds. They were immune to punishment, imprisonment, and death. Their evil souls were filled with vengence for all of the pain they felt. They were going to make the whole town pay.
Matt had a unique problem. He had to appear to be an angel for he lived with granny. She had raised Matt. There were only two forces that could stop him in his tracks. He feared granny. There was only one other person that could bring both of the boys to their knees. She was an evil, vicious woman. She was from the same clan as granny, and much like matt she had the evil red haired gene. She was named Kerry.
Matt and Chris would often try to fight her but she would rip their hair out. Matts hair, It begged to be pulled. It cried out to everyone around it, saying "please rip me out!! put me out of my agony!!" most people didnt go near the hair of Matt. because they they were warded off by the beedy eyes. Chris was big and strong but he was no match for the beast girl. Everyone in town and everywhere loved her and payed her lots of money to beat the little bastards... everyone except granny. She thought the boys were gods little gifts to the earth.
Matt and Chris were outside one day scheming to steal all of the neighbors dogs. Matt's dog had met a tragic end. They were eyeinga little dog named Boner. They followed the owner down to the beach and attacked when she was out of sight of the houses. They took her purse and her lil' dog too. She started screaming. Chris was beginning to get psychotic. He was yelling "you want a piece of me? I will smack this tree!!" He was pointing to a huge tree. He thought it sounded scary.. Didn't it?
They took off running. They were so happy. They had the dog and money. They couldn't see the tears in boner's eyes as he was missin his owner. They didn't understand the womans need for her little companion, boner. And her need for her credit card as well. They jumped in Matt's pastel yellow wus machine and drove off.
That afternoon, the woman went on tv pleading for the return of her boner. The police had a sketch of the attackers. They were showing it on TV. Everyone in Snidersville had their shot gun out and loaded, ready to blow their heads off. They snuck the dog into the basement of the griffith compound. They had to stop granny from seeing or hearing the dog.
Kerry saw the pictures on the TV and recognized the hideous pictures immediately. She jumped into the purple roaring monster and drove to snidersville. She was going to return the dog for the reward and have the pleasure of smacking, punching and kicking them. Lets not forget the pulling of matts hair.
She found them in the basement freasting on pepperoni and anchovy pizza like a pair of buzzards. She yelled "give me the dog!" They tried to play dumb.. or maybe they really are.. No we wont let them off so easy. She said "give me the dog or I will tell granny. Matt cried "NOOO!!" and his face turned ghostly white. He began to tremble. Chris was also scared because his mother had the blood of granny, and he knew it wouldnt be good for him either. "NO, please, for the love of god, NOOOO!!" Matt yelled. He had wet his undies in fear.
They turned over the dog to the owner. Kerry got the wenches out of trouble by saying they were abused as kids. She got the rewards and returned to compound. Matt was sittin in a corner balled up and sad. He had lost his little boner. So she bought him a tiny mexican dog that was very mean. It big him and peed on him, but he loved it so much.
This sounds like a happy ending but i forgot to mention the beating the boys recieved. Kerry grabbed them by their necks and smacked their heads together. They knew that they had it coming. She beat them with a willow switch and pulled Matt's hair bald. Chris got a kick in the stomach. But they both loved their beatings.
Matt was trying to prove to everyone after his jail time that he was not gay... He knew that no one would believe him. he tried to talk to girls, and even tried to date a few. he was so caought up in all of this he had forgotten his best buddy Vhris.
Mike knew Matt was really gay too, ,but he liked him just the same. Matt was a good friend. He and Mike would often get lots of alcohol and women. Matt always used the same tired.. worn out pick up line. He would walk up to a chick swinging his hips around and say "hey, honey, i want to give your dog.. a bone.. baby!" they would walk away like "are you stupid?"
Mike and Matt, they thought they were studs. They rode around in a hot rod, and drank their booze happily. Matt would often get drunk and hang his ass out the window. he really liked to moon old ladies. He liked the look of pure terror they had on their faces. Many a good night were spent, butt hanging out the window. Mike didn't care that matt was exposing himself to the world.. as long as he didnt have to see it.
One day, they were driving down the road. They were up to their usual tricks. They found a trail off the beaten path. Matt and Mike drove down a two track. They found a private beach. There were a whole lot of old women swimming there. Mike dared Matt to streak them all Matt didn't want to do it, but feared being called a chicken.
Matt set out running naked across the beach holding his goods in one hand. He had made it about half way across the beach. The old ladies were screaming and hollering. They began throwing money at Matt. Mike got jealous and joined in. They were were making some great money. There were dancing all around keeping their love machines covered with one hand. All of a sudden, the old woman started grabbing at the boys crotches.
The boys were so freaked out they began to run. They scrambled off into the woods. They had the money in the hand they had free. They were running as fast as they could They were trying to get as far away from the old women as possible. They ran and ran until they found a clearing. They were trying to figure out where they were. They could see houses but couldn't go there. They were trapped like a pair of naked rats. They wondered if it would be safe to go back, but they heard the old ladies calling them in the distance.
They headed back towards their car. As they approached the beach, they tried to make as little noise as possible. They jumped into their car. the old ladies were chasing them as they were driving away. THey tried to figure out what to do. They were thinking that if they went to chris's they could honk the horn until he came out and he could bring them clothes. But he wasnt home.
They thought maybe they could sneak into matt's house without granny seeing them. She slept alot. As they were driving by Matt's house they saw granny getting out of her car. She waved at them and they waved back. Matt said "Oh my god, Punch it." They were driving away as fast as they could. They saw chris's truck and followed it, honking and flashing their lights.. calling his name.
Chris stopped the truck and walked to Mikes car and said "Hey what are you guys up to?" He looked at them, turned his head quickly and said "Oh my god, I dont even want to hear about it. You two are a couple. My eyes.. Oh my.." Chris said "where are your clothes? NO NO.. I don't even want to know." They told him they would explain later. Matt and Mike got to Chris's house where they were given some shorts and swore to never speak of it again. Matt and Mike where at Chris's house a couple days later and Chris's sister came up to them laughing and said "You two were on tv, and some old lady won $10,000" they sat their with their mouths hanging open. then they went down to watch the show ending. Sure enough they played the tape of Matt and Mike dancing in the nude. Chris said "so this is hwy you were naked in the car? Where did you clothes go? You both know you are dead right?"
The phone began to ring. First Granny called. She had been sitting in her lounger watching christian tv and her sister Edna called to say change the channel. She saw Matt nude and wiggling his butt, and was not happy at all. Next, Mikes mom called. Chris was laughing and laughing. Then his mom started to scream. She had spoken to granny and figured he was somehoe involved. As Matt and Mike were heading home, they could hear the repeated smacks and Chris Screaming "I wasn't there.. I wasn't there!!" They knew what was waiting for them at home.
Chris set out that day rying to figure out his dreams. As he was walking out of the store he saw the woman of his dreams. He mustered up the courage to ask her out. She said yes. Chris was so happy. He bragged to everyone about his new gorgeous girlfriend. They went on lots of dates, their relationship was moving so fast. Heloved to kiss her full lips and gaze into her big blue eyes. He was making plans to get a better job and do better in school. One night as they were smooching and snuggling, she turned to him and asked "will you go on JerrySspringer with me? I have a secret to tell you." Chris agreed to go. He was up all night thinking what her secret could be. He resolved he didnt care. He figured ie would be something like she wasnt a virgin, or he thought she was dating someone else too.
he woke up early the next morning and called Matt. They went to the jewelry store and chris began to look for rings. He didn't have much money, but he figured if there was another guy involved he could win her affections with a beautiful ring. he walked up to the jeweler and said "I want to see what kinda diamond ring i can get with this $80." The jeweler laughed and laughed. Then he pulled out a scrawny ring with a diamond chip.
Chris was distraught. he would never win her love with that pitiful gem. Just then Matt had an idea (that can never.. be good). He went to over to another counter and picked up a $10 ring. It had a huge diamond in it. It was fake. It was so fake it made cubic zirconia look expensive. Matt told Chris "this will work for the show, you can buy a real one for her later." that perked up Chris's spirits. He went and bought new clothes, from the salvation army and even planned ways to do his hair.
He saw his woman that night and asked her "do you love me?" His heart was beating so hard it was hurting his chest. She looked at him lovingly and said "with all of my heart." he was so happy. he was started thinking "what if her secret is that she is pregnantm, but wait we didnt do it, or maybe she wants to get married.. yah thats it." he imagined pulling the ring out as he got on one knee and she got so horny in his imagination.
The next day, as he and Matt were torturing a screw they had captured chris said "hehe I m gonna score." He had bragged to all of his friends at work and told them to watch the show.
He arrived at the show the next day. They placed him in a sound proof room. He waited his turn and saw his love, Sarah (at this point in the story it makes no sense to give her a name but what the hell lets do it) staring at him. She looked so beautiful. She had her hair all pulled up and a short dress on. All of a sudden he thought "what if she is a stripper? cool, she can make me some money!" He walked over to her and got on one knee and said "Will you marry me?" She said "shouldn't you hear my secret first?" He said "I dont care what your secret is.. i love you!" He knew he was gonna get lucky. The chicks dig that mushy stuff. SHe cried out "Yes !! YES!" Oh he thought he was on top of the world.
Then she turned to him and said "i have to tell you that I am a pre-operative transsexual." Chris was thinking "this is what the fuss is about.. her religion.. pfft" He answered "I don't care!" She grabbed him and kissed him. He was so excited. He was gonna get some.
Jerry started to ask the audience questions. the first guy said "are you gay?" chris looked at him like he was stupid and said NO. The next lady said "how can you love her in this situation?" chris answered "love conquers all". he was sure Sarah was loving his answers. He was gonna get some. Then Jerry was allowing Matt to ask a question. Matt looked at Chris and said "do you know that she is a man?"
Chris yelled at him "you cant talk to my woman that way. I ll kick your ass!" he was puzzled when the whole audience laughed at him. Jerry said to him "but she is a man!" Chris refused to believe him. he turned to sarah and said "what are they talking about?" Sarah said they were telling the truth. He sat there with him mouth hanging open thinking "i look like a fool!" All of a sudden his brain flooded with his memorys of their romantic times, the kisses, the snuggling and other stuff. He turned red knowing all of his friends, family and coworkers were watching.
He was so angry, he punched.. him or her or what ever it was. He grabbed Sarah by the hair and her wig came off. Chris started screaming. He realized what a big man/woman sarah was when she began to whoop him. Matt tried to help him but bouncers stopped him. then Chris said "but you have boobs!" Sarah replied "i have a good plastic surgeon and you are gonna need one after this!" and punched him in the nose. Then chris remembered.. she is a man and kicked him full force in the nuts. Chris walked off the stage and went home to face the music.
The two boys had this aunt. Her name was Donna. She knew in her heart that the little beasts were no good, but she always hoped for the best. She was the one who told Matt and Chris to go out into the field where hey had met up with the police officer and chris met his temporary fitting end. She would send them out to the field with sandwiches for the poor homeless things out there, not knowing they were torturing the souls she was sending them to help
One day they went to her house after school, and ate some cookies she had freshly baked. They ate cookie after cookie, drank milk and more milk. After like two minutes it was all gone. Matt's little sister Kelly started to cry. She wanted more. Donna knew her husband David would be home soon. She asked the boys to go to the store and buy more milk so she could bake more cookies. She gave them $20 to buy three gallons of milk.
They went to the little store down the road from Donna's house. They even got to drive her car. They bought the milk, and started to drive back. They began to fight, smacking, punching, biting, and kissing. They broke open one container of milk. They knew David would kill them for for sure. They had a few bucks left over so they took off towards the car wash.
Matt had an idea (never, ever, a good thing, ever). He wanted to take the back way. They dirt road that was the bumpiest road in all of snidersville. Matt thought that the time saved could be used for cleaning up the milk. No, that's a lie. He wanted to watch chicks (or so he wants us to think) bend over and wash their cars.
He got so pre-occupied thinking about chicks bending over in daisy dukes that he lost control of the car and went off the road, into a swamp. The car began to sink. He threw the car in reverse, and Chris got out and pushed. Mud was everywhere. Chris had mud up to his knees. He kept pushing, and thinking of ways to kill Matt. The car started to move backwards, and he fell face first into the slimy muddy, water.
The windshield was covered with mud. Matt couldn't see anything. They tried to use the windshield wipers, but the mud just smeared. The windshield fluid was empty. So Chris got an idea (scary, I know). He convinced Matt to use a bottle of milk to fill up the fluid tank. They washed down the windshield with milk. It worked, their vision wasnt clear, but they could sorta see.
Chris grabbed Matt out of the drivers seat and said "oh no way, you got us into this! You should be lucky I dont run over your head." Chris was psycho mad. He was ranting and raving all the way to the car wash. Every time he hit a small animal, Chris cursed Matt even more. He began to drive faster and faster, controlled by his anger. He slid off the road and hit a tree. Matt's head flew thru the windshield. He was dead, or something. Chris was so mad he didn't care.
Chris got out of the car, mud soaked, and mad. He grabbed the last gallon of milk and walked back towards Donnas house. He could hear Matt screaming in the distance, but he refused to turn back. He had to get the milk home.
Matt knew that the only person who could reason with his hair was his cousin Kerry. Kerry agreed to do Matt's hair, and the wicked evil Mindy agreed to do Chris's hair. Matt had been very mean to Mindy in his youth. He used to rip clumps of hair out of her head daily. She realized this was the perfect oportunity to get him back.
The next morning, Kerry and Mindy showed up at Chris's house. They boy's had their new suits hanging neatly, and shoes all shined. Kerry was proud of them. hey had finally begun to care about their futures. Matt was standing in his boxer shorts, and chris in his undies, and they began grooming. Matt shaved off his scraggle. He was starting to look good.
Matt and chris sat down at the kitchen table, and the fight to control Matt's hair began. Kerry used gel when his hair was wet and hairspray when it was dry. Mindy had begun to blow dry Chris's hair. Kerry went into the other room for a moment.
Mindy realized this was her chance, and she pulled a lighter out of her pocket. She grabbed the hairspray. She lit the lighter in front of the hairspray can and pushed down the top. The hairspray torch worked better than she had planned. She not only ignited Matt's hair, she also set afire Chris's hair, his underwear, and the dog, sugar.
The house was filling with sound. There were the screams from Matt and Chris, and the dogs yelping, but mostly the sound of mindy's evil laugh. She sat back as Matt and Chris scrambled around to put out the fire. She had some compassion though and poured water on sugar before she got hurt.
Chris managed to put his flames out, and he ran off townards his bedroom clutching the tatters of his burnt underwear. He was mad screaming at Mindy "these are my only pair!" he was mumbling as he went up the stairs "damn it, I will have to start wearing mom's again, and I just bought these last year. I cant even have a beloved pair of underwear!" He had tears running down his cheeks as he put his beloved underwear in the trash. Then he quickly snatched them out and said "they must be buried like everything else I have loved."
Matt and Kerry were downstairs. Matt was running around screaming. The fire was hard to put out, because of the gel and hairspray. Kerry grabbed the phone and started to smack at the fire, trying to smother it. Unfortunitely, the phone was plastic and began to melt. The clumps of plastic were burning matts scalp worse than the fire. So Kerry grabbed a tub of cool whip and smashed it down on his head. It began to melt on his burnt head. he was enjoying the cool sensation of the cool whip on his scalp. It was actually soothing his burns.
Kerry did her best to make the boys look decent, but it was no use. Their hair wasnt salvagable. They had to go to court bald, and Matts scalp was red and some of it was peeling off ( the strange thing was , it looked better than his hair). They judge thought they were skin heads and sentanced them to the maximum, 30 days in jail.
As the bailiff was leading them off, Chris was thinking "I am so dead when the inmates see my pink, lacy, frilly, undies. But they are so silky smooth against my skin" And Matt was thinking, "I wonder if that guard over there likes me as much as I like him?" He made love eyes at the guard and was severely beaten.
Kelly is in high school and Mindy also works with me at Doner.
I hope you all enjoy the stories.
